I'm sure that most of you know by now that I am recently divorced. Either because you're close to me, picked it up through my writing, or, we have formed some sort of contact. So the issue of divorce is very near and dear to my heart. Especially when it comes to black families. The rate of divorce among black couples is staggering. So staggering, that I don't even wanna throw the percentages out there that I've seen in some of my readings regarding this particular subject matter. When I think about divorce, I think about the deadly disease that ravages the human body called cancer. Why do I parallel the two? Either: 1) you have been through a divorce or going through a divorce 2) you know someone who is divorced or going through a divorce 3) you, or someone you know is strongly considering it. One way or another, you have been affected by it directly or indirectly. The same can be said about cancer.
I had already picked this as my next topic to write about when I coincidentally came across a friend from High School Facebook post. She asked what was the number one cause of breakup in marriages. I thought to myself, "wow, that's my next topic!" So I commented that I was writing about that. I'm sure most of you know that once you comment, you start getting the notifications once other people comment as well. The very first comment was sex. There were a few more comments after that. One of them stated money as well (which I don't necessarily disagree with). But I was surprised that none of the women who commented didn't say what I hear a lot of women in particular complain about not having. Communication, communication, COMMUNICATION! It was clear to me that I needed to write about this. Not because I'm this huge expert about divorce and communication. But I was married for seven years and have gained knowledge on what it takes for a marriage to survive and thrive. So when you read this, don't take it as me feeding you pointless propaganda. We all have the ability to form our own opinions and ideas. I'm just sharing mine with you.
To go on the record, I do believe that communication, or, the lack of communication is the number one cause of breakups of marriage in particular. If you ask me, it goes in this order: 1) communication 2) money. Now, I will not be naive enough to not think that there haven't been divorces because of sex. I will say this though. If your marriage/relationship is surviving because of sex, then there is a serious lack of prioritization on what a relationship should be built on. And if you're marrying someone just because the sex is good, then I say that you're truly misguided and making the poorest decision of your life. I do believe that sex is a wonderful part of a marriage, and it should be great. It's just that the mature 31 year old me knows that sex doesn't, and SHOULD NOT keep a marriage together. PERIOD!
Let me get into why I feel strongly about communication being key in a marriage. I believe that if you truly took the time to assess what's important in your relationship, you would find that after God (in my opinion), communication is next in line. Problems developed during the course of a marriage is a byproduct of bad or non existent communication. Communication affects trust issues, money issues, and even intimacy. You cannot put a price on what the ability to talk effectively to your mate has. When you have an argument or disagreement is this most prevalent. I don't care how good your sex is, you're gonna have disagreements to put it lightly. So in retrospect, sex will not make it better. Let me let the fellas in on a little secret that they may not know already. Once you have an argument with your wife, you MUST resolve whatever the issue is with her through effective dialogue before you become intimate with her again. Men tend to think that sex is the cure-all for any problem that arises. WRONG! I don't care if you can make stars appear in the room (fellas) during intimacy. If you and your wife have an unresolved problem, she will think about it during, and most certainly after the intimacy. If you think I'm wrong, ask any woman. Key word being woman. Take it from a person who has had trouble communicating all his life (me). But thank God for growth.
Let me give a few examples of how bad communication can negatively affect a marriage. Let's say you and your spouse have a joint account which is your primary account. Say one of you is the one who mainly takes care of the account. Paying bills, authorizing transactions, balancing the checkbook etc. If the person who is not the one who manages the account is spending and not providing receipts or communicating on what they've spent will cause issues. And if it's done repeatedly, it will become a full blown problem. You can cause overdrafts, or give the impression that there's more money in the account then what there really is. This also can be done in reverse by the person who primarily maintains the account. They can cause problems if they're not communicating as well. I realize that a lot of people today maintain separate accounts, but a lot of couples still use the joint account method as well. Some tend to think that money issues are just one person bearing the responsibility of making the money that comes into that household. Sometimes it goes deeper then that.
One more example I will give would be this. Let's say that your husband is going to have a night out with the fellas. Ladies, you think your man is going to a game with his friends then to have a few drinks afterwards. After all, this is what he told you right? Let's say he tells you that he'll be home between 11:00 and 12:00 midnight. Well, the truth is that he and the fellas went to a strip club in another city causing him to make it home at about 4:00a.m. instead. Not only is this bad communication, it's flat out lying. As a result, you now have a woman with trust issues which is never good. A reason why once I got married I stayed my ass home! I won't go into any examples regarding how it affects intimacy because my mother is gonna read this. So I'm moving on!
In evaluating my own failed attempt at marriage. I realize that once the communication became iffy, so did the marriage as a whole. I was told by several smart people that marriage requires work everyday that it is in existence. I couldn't agree more! I guess in some small way I'm talking directly to the men. Women are typically better communicators than men. So please work on your communication. I promise you that you give your marriage/relationship a better chance at longevity and prosperity if you do!
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