This is probably my most passionate subject to discuss due to what I feel is a damning "culture" within the black community. I haven't written a blog about this particular topic, because of the book that I'm currently working on has much to do about this very subject. I couldn't resist when a childhood friend of mine messaged me and suggested that my next blog should be about the role of the black father. My friend, a black father himself, realizes the importance of this matter as well. He wouldn't have sent me that particular message had he not.
I won't sugarcoat this blog because we're truly in a bad place--as fathers and as men. This blog is just as much for me as it is for all the other black fathers. I myself am a father of two boys. I will explain the challenges and the uniqueness of my situation later on. I will not exclude myself because no matter what my situation may be; no matter what the challenges are; I'm still Jayden's and Jordyn's father and I need to act accordingly.
When you observe the current generation; what do you see? I see a bunch of misguided souls being led by false things. I see many black kids in awe of rappers, dope dealers, hustlers, pimps--pretty much anyone with money and some kind of fame. What do I attribute this to? Poor, or the lack of leadership in these kids lives. I also include many twenty-something year olds when I say kids. Its been said before; and it still reigns true today: It starts in the home. That "it" being the foundation of a child's life. How can a child get a solid foundation when many of our children don't even know who and where their father is. There are several women out here left to raise children without any support. Now here is where we're going to separate the men from the individuals that don't get it. When I said support and the only thing that came to your mind was financial support--congratulations, you're part of the team that doesn't get it.
When it comes to the support of children; there are many forms. Of course financial is probably the biggest. Lets face it--kids cost money! Clothes, food, school supplies/uniforms, healthcare, childcare, entertainment etc. is not cheap. Spending time and lending emotional support also factors into the support of children. Children need to feel that love and support from their father as well as their mother. They need us to feel that we care about them and their well being. They also need that structure and life lessons that only YOU as a man can provide. I commend all women who operate as mother and father. I can only imagine how tough it is to do all that you do without the support from your children's father(s). Even if you may not agree--there are some things that you cannot give your kids as a woman. That's no knock or slight to women--it's just a simple fact.
Lets get the issue of child support out there now: I know that there are women out there that exploit the children and the child support system for their own personal gain. I also know of good women who have struggled with putting the father of their children on child support. I've had quite a few female friends ask for my advice about what they should do regarding child support. All of them were receiving little or no support at all. My response would always be "what are you waiting for?" Don't take that as me being a proponent of men being in the child support system. Take that as me being a proponent of children being taken care of. For the record: I myself pay child support. All the female friends also told me how they tried to work something out with the father without getting the courts involved. All of the fathers weren't receptive or didn't keep with their end of the bargain. Fellas: If the mother of your children is trying to work something out without putting you on child support; by all means do your best to do so. Because if she ultimately feels compelled to do so; I promise that they will most certainly grant her more than she was offering that you pay in the first place.
When the mother of your children is seeking support from you; whether that be from you directly, or through the courts; DO NOT act foolishly or ignorant. And by that I mean: Do not neglect your children just because you and your children's mother mother are going through something. I don't care if you're honestly doing your best and she's doing it out of spite. There are women out there that use the system as the Joker in her deck of cards. Waiting to play that hand or use that power because she knows that she can. If she acts a fool with you; don't cut off communication, spending time, and financial support to your kid(s) because you're trying to make things hard for her because you feel like she's making things hard for you. I've heard it way too often how fathers get mad at the mother of the kid(s) so much so that he basically stops being a father. In your attempt to get back at the mother; do you know who you're truly affecting? That's right--YOUR kids! And for what? They have absolutely nothing to do with what is going on between you and their mom. Not only are you hurting your children; you are in fact hurting yourself. You're killing the bond--or future bond with your children. If this doesn't matter to you; then you are a deadbeat. No other way to put it.
I alluded to my own situation earlier. Let me elaborate on it: My ex-wife and I have two sons together. When me and my ex were together; we lived in Northern California upon me leaving the Army in 2006. In 2010, my ex and I separated and were ultimately divorced in February of 2011. I moved to Jacksonville, FL--not because I necessarily wanted to--I did so for financial reasons. That was by far the hardest and most painful decision that I have yet to make in life. My children and their mom now reside in Las Vegas, NV. I still get to see them and have them for summers--but I cannot describe to you the pain I go through daily not being where they are at on a day to day basis. There is nothing more special to me than seeing my kids smiling faces, playing with them, letting them help me cook, giving them hugs and kisses, playing video games with them, playing sports with them--bonding with them. I say that to say this: It truly pisses my soul off to know that there are fathers, or, "baby daddies" who literally live down the block, around the corner, or the same city (or vicinity) as their kid(s) and will not see them or spend time with them. Do you know what I would give to live or have my kids near me? Hell...I'd be good with them in the same state as me. How can a "man" live with himself when he has nothing to do with his children completely misses my train of thought. The love that I have learned since becoming a father to Jayden and Jordyn is priceless. Those of you who don't have relationships with your kids are truly missing out on an irreplaceable gift from God. I couldn't imagine trudging through this life without their love and my relationship with them.
Earlier I mentioned how this generation is filled with misguided souls. That is where fathers should be found--steadfast and ready to lead their children to the right path. Kids are impressionable--always have been--always will be. But it is much easier for this generation. With television, radio, internet, and peers; it's tough for these kids to effectively cast away what's not good to and for them. For example: Many of these kids cannot differentiate what they see on t.v., and what they hear in the music that they listen to as pure entertainment. They are out here trying to live their lives like their favorite rappers. The job of the parent (father in particular) is to provide clarity and expose his kids to things of substance and value. Here is the issue as well: Some of these kids do have the fathers in the home or around, but are just as misguided and lost as those without fathers. This can be attributed to what Steve Harvey calls the three p's. Those three p's are: "Piss...poor...parenting." For example: If your son lives with you, or you spend significant time with him and he freely sags his pants or smokes weed; your son is a victim of piss poor parenting. If your teenager comes and goes as they please--no curfew, no concrete rules and standards; they are victims of piss poor parenting.
Our sons need us to be there to show them how to be men. I'm going to be quite frank: The cycle that has begun for the black man in particular is not a good cycle. I look at our current state and I'm afraid for our future. The way we conduct ourselves--the way we treat women is in a bad state. Of course this is not true for all black men. Just take a second to observe what you see and make an honest assessment. Speaking of women: Our daughters desparately need us, too. Daughters need us to show them how a man is supposed to treat a woman. How many teenagers, young adults, and adults do you know of are habitually mistreated by a man? Many young (and old) women are constantly in bad relationships because either: a) They saw their dad or the man that their mom was involved with treat her mom horribly. b) Their dad or a positive male influence was not in the home. Boys and girls are the same in one regard: If they're not getting the proper love and care that they need from home; they'll find it in other places. And where they get that love from is usually not in the best places.
It's not law that whoever grows up without a father is doomed forever. That's not what I'm saying. There are too many to count that buck that trend. But even people that you know who have grown up without a father and made something of themselves harbor some kind of hatred in their heart? They may not want to admit or acknowledge it; many of them have wounds on their heart due to not having a father, or a shaky to non existent relationship with their father.
In this life you are judged by many things. I know for those of us who are Christians believe in one judge. But how you live daily, your profession, and your family leaves a personal mark on this world. Your children is another way to leave your own personal mark. Let me take this time to toot my parents' own horn. When people meet me and have contact with me for a period of time--whether that be casual, personal, or professional; they commend my parents for raising a good person. I get the same with my kids from time to time. You yourself can be as good a human being as they come. But if your kids are proficient in raising hell--guess what will usually come up when your name is brought up in conversation? Your kids and how they are proficient in raising hell. Be a presence in your children's life. More importantly, be a strong presence in your children's life. Many black men who have grown up without fathers are now leaving children to grow up without fathers as well. Is it too much for me to dream of this cycle to be broken?
One last thing: If you're not with the mother of your kids and there is a custody order...you do know that you can still work out with the mother of your children to see them at different times that aren't specified in the court order. For example: Lets say that the court order says that you are to have the kid(s) on specified days or weekends. You can make arrangements with the mother if you want to see them or spend more time with them. Of course you have to work that out with the mother, but your effort is what matters. Your kids observe that effort as well. I'll end this with a quote from old school rapper Ed O.G. "Be a father to your child."
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