This is probably my most passionate subject to discuss due to what I feel is a damning "culture" within the black community. I haven't written a blog about this particular topic, because of the book that I'm currently working on has much to do about this very subject. I couldn't resist when a childhood friend of mine messaged me and suggested that my next blog should be about the role of the black father. My friend, a black father himself, realizes the importance of this matter as well. He wouldn't have sent me that particular message had he not.
I won't sugarcoat this blog because we're truly in a bad place--as fathers and as men. This blog is just as much for me as it is for all the other black fathers. I myself am a father of two boys. I will explain the challenges and the uniqueness of my situation later on. I will not exclude myself because no matter what my situation may be; no matter what the challenges are; I'm still Jayden's and Jordyn's father and I need to act accordingly.
When you observe the current generation; what do you see? I see a bunch of misguided souls being led by false things. I see many black kids in awe of rappers, dope dealers, hustlers, pimps--pretty much anyone with money and some kind of fame. What do I attribute this to? Poor, or the lack of leadership in these kids lives. I also include many twenty-something year olds when I say kids. Its been said before; and it still reigns true today: It starts in the home. That "it" being the foundation of a child's life. How can a child get a solid foundation when many of our children don't even know who and where their father is. There are several women out here left to raise children without any support. Now here is where we're going to separate the men from the individuals that don't get it. When I said support and the only thing that came to your mind was financial support--congratulations, you're part of the team that doesn't get it.
When it comes to the support of children; there are many forms. Of course financial is probably the biggest. Lets face it--kids cost money! Clothes, food, school supplies/uniforms, healthcare, childcare, entertainment etc. is not cheap. Spending time and lending emotional support also factors into the support of children. Children need to feel that love and support from their father as well as their mother. They need us to feel that we care about them and their well being. They also need that structure and life lessons that only YOU as a man can provide. I commend all women who operate as mother and father. I can only imagine how tough it is to do all that you do without the support from your children's father(s). Even if you may not agree--there are some things that you cannot give your kids as a woman. That's no knock or slight to women--it's just a simple fact.
Lets get the issue of child support out there now: I know that there are women out there that exploit the children and the child support system for their own personal gain. I also know of good women who have struggled with putting the father of their children on child support. I've had quite a few female friends ask for my advice about what they should do regarding child support. All of them were receiving little or no support at all. My response would always be "what are you waiting for?" Don't take that as me being a proponent of men being in the child support system. Take that as me being a proponent of children being taken care of. For the record: I myself pay child support. All the female friends also told me how they tried to work something out with the father without getting the courts involved. All of the fathers weren't receptive or didn't keep with their end of the bargain. Fellas: If the mother of your children is trying to work something out without putting you on child support; by all means do your best to do so. Because if she ultimately feels compelled to do so; I promise that they will most certainly grant her more than she was offering that you pay in the first place.
When the mother of your children is seeking support from you; whether that be from you directly, or through the courts; DO NOT act foolishly or ignorant. And by that I mean: Do not neglect your children just because you and your children's mother mother are going through something. I don't care if you're honestly doing your best and she's doing it out of spite. There are women out there that use the system as the Joker in her deck of cards. Waiting to play that hand or use that power because she knows that she can. If she acts a fool with you; don't cut off communication, spending time, and financial support to your kid(s) because you're trying to make things hard for her because you feel like she's making things hard for you. I've heard it way too often how fathers get mad at the mother of the kid(s) so much so that he basically stops being a father. In your attempt to get back at the mother; do you know who you're truly affecting? That's right--YOUR kids! And for what? They have absolutely nothing to do with what is going on between you and their mom. Not only are you hurting your children; you are in fact hurting yourself. You're killing the bond--or future bond with your children. If this doesn't matter to you; then you are a deadbeat. No other way to put it.
I alluded to my own situation earlier. Let me elaborate on it: My ex-wife and I have two sons together. When me and my ex were together; we lived in Northern California upon me leaving the Army in 2006. In 2010, my ex and I separated and were ultimately divorced in February of 2011. I moved to Jacksonville, FL--not because I necessarily wanted to--I did so for financial reasons. That was by far the hardest and most painful decision that I have yet to make in life. My children and their mom now reside in Las Vegas, NV. I still get to see them and have them for summers--but I cannot describe to you the pain I go through daily not being where they are at on a day to day basis. There is nothing more special to me than seeing my kids smiling faces, playing with them, letting them help me cook, giving them hugs and kisses, playing video games with them, playing sports with them--bonding with them. I say that to say this: It truly pisses my soul off to know that there are fathers, or, "baby daddies" who literally live down the block, around the corner, or the same city (or vicinity) as their kid(s) and will not see them or spend time with them. Do you know what I would give to live or have my kids near me? Hell...I'd be good with them in the same state as me. How can a "man" live with himself when he has nothing to do with his children completely misses my train of thought. The love that I have learned since becoming a father to Jayden and Jordyn is priceless. Those of you who don't have relationships with your kids are truly missing out on an irreplaceable gift from God. I couldn't imagine trudging through this life without their love and my relationship with them.
Earlier I mentioned how this generation is filled with misguided souls. That is where fathers should be found--steadfast and ready to lead their children to the right path. Kids are impressionable--always have been--always will be. But it is much easier for this generation. With television, radio, internet, and peers; it's tough for these kids to effectively cast away what's not good to and for them. For example: Many of these kids cannot differentiate what they see on t.v., and what they hear in the music that they listen to as pure entertainment. They are out here trying to live their lives like their favorite rappers. The job of the parent (father in particular) is to provide clarity and expose his kids to things of substance and value. Here is the issue as well: Some of these kids do have the fathers in the home or around, but are just as misguided and lost as those without fathers. This can be attributed to what Steve Harvey calls the three p's. Those three p's are: "Piss...poor...parenting." For example: If your son lives with you, or you spend significant time with him and he freely sags his pants or smokes weed; your son is a victim of piss poor parenting. If your teenager comes and goes as they please--no curfew, no concrete rules and standards; they are victims of piss poor parenting.
Our sons need us to be there to show them how to be men. I'm going to be quite frank: The cycle that has begun for the black man in particular is not a good cycle. I look at our current state and I'm afraid for our future. The way we conduct ourselves--the way we treat women is in a bad state. Of course this is not true for all black men. Just take a second to observe what you see and make an honest assessment. Speaking of women: Our daughters desparately need us, too. Daughters need us to show them how a man is supposed to treat a woman. How many teenagers, young adults, and adults do you know of are habitually mistreated by a man? Many young (and old) women are constantly in bad relationships because either: a) They saw their dad or the man that their mom was involved with treat her mom horribly. b) Their dad or a positive male influence was not in the home. Boys and girls are the same in one regard: If they're not getting the proper love and care that they need from home; they'll find it in other places. And where they get that love from is usually not in the best places.
It's not law that whoever grows up without a father is doomed forever. That's not what I'm saying. There are too many to count that buck that trend. But even people that you know who have grown up without a father and made something of themselves harbor some kind of hatred in their heart? They may not want to admit or acknowledge it; many of them have wounds on their heart due to not having a father, or a shaky to non existent relationship with their father.
In this life you are judged by many things. I know for those of us who are Christians believe in one judge. But how you live daily, your profession, and your family leaves a personal mark on this world. Your children is another way to leave your own personal mark. Let me take this time to toot my parents' own horn. When people meet me and have contact with me for a period of time--whether that be casual, personal, or professional; they commend my parents for raising a good person. I get the same with my kids from time to time. You yourself can be as good a human being as they come. But if your kids are proficient in raising hell--guess what will usually come up when your name is brought up in conversation? Your kids and how they are proficient in raising hell. Be a presence in your children's life. More importantly, be a strong presence in your children's life. Many black men who have grown up without fathers are now leaving children to grow up without fathers as well. Is it too much for me to dream of this cycle to be broken?
One last thing: If you're not with the mother of your kids and there is a custody order...you do know that you can still work out with the mother of your children to see them at different times that aren't specified in the court order. For example: Lets say that the court order says that you are to have the kid(s) on specified days or weekends. You can make arrangements with the mother if you want to see them or spend more time with them. Of course you have to work that out with the mother, but your effort is what matters. Your kids observe that effort as well. I'll end this with a quote from old school rapper Ed O.G. "Be a father to your child."
Friday, November 16, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
The Great Divide
On Tuesday, November 6, 2012 President Barack Obama was re-elected as President of the United States. First of all: I would like to congratulate President Obama on his historic re-election. It's a feat that I once thought was unattainable. That being a black man being elected to the highest position in these United States twice. Albeit the same man. Secondly: Even though I did not vote for him; I wish Gov. Mitt Romney and his family all the best--really, I do. I pray for all of our leaders in office, because they, not me, are in public office working for the people of this nation.
I'm not one to really talk politics for a few reasons: 1) I've never been too interested in politics. 2) I'm no political strategist, so I don't try to act like I'm an expert on all of the issues. 3) Politics is a sticky subject that drives a wedge between people. 4) Politics can bring out the ignorance in some people that you wish you never witnessed. This election quite frankly, has shown me sides of people that I wish I never knew existed. That goes for Democrats and Republicans alike.
In this country that we live in--a democracy--it's imperative to have different parties and affiliations. Innovation comes from the ability to be diverse and adapt to different philosophies. If we didn't have multiple parties; we would live in a dictatorship, or socialist type of society. Although many have accused President Obama of being a socialist. Some have even said that he is the Anti-Christ. I find these accusations to be ridiculous, laughable, and based with no merit.
No matter how badly I do not want to address race; honestly, it's simply unavoidable. I will keep the race issue to a minimum, because I'm big on moving forward when it comes to that subject. I've heard, listened to, and read many comments regarding our current president. If race wasn't an issue; why is it that President is referred to as the first African-American President? When he was elected as president; it wasn't said that America elected its first multi-racial, or its first half white half black president. I say that to say this: It doesn't matter if your background consists of 1/16 black or African blood. Once the world finds out about that 1/16, you are black in the world's eyes. That's just the way it is. My grandfather, Rudolph Smith Sr. was multi-racial (creole). But you know what he considered himself to be? You got it--a black man! My grandfather could pass for a white man, too. He had fair skin, and had what we (blacks) would call good hair. He didn't try to fool himself into thinking that society saw him as anything but black. One more thing: When you look at President Obama, what do you honestly see? Do you see multi-racial, or do you see a black man?
To the people (black and white; because some honestly feel like there were no blacks that voted for Gov. Romney) that supported and voted for Gov. Mitt Romney because you felt that he was the better candidate; I have absolutely no qualms with you. As voting citizens, it's our duty to research the available candidates, assess how their plan aligns with what we see as best for our families--best for our country. I know we all have our own unique reasons as to why we vote for who we vote for. Some of us vote according to the political party that we're affiliated with. The people that I do have qualms with are the people that did base their decision solely on race. Whether you voted for or against President Obama. Educate yourself on the issues and be mindful of how these issues affect you.
I do not know all the ins and outs of the politcal world that we call Washington D.C. But I do know this: It takes a team effort to get things done. That includes Democrats working with Republicans and vice versa. Nothing can get done when personal agendas are first and foremost rather than the welfare of our country. It seems to me that political parties are doing more to sabotage the other party--like winning is what is most important--and not passing bills that would help the citizens of our country.
I've heard that President Obama doesn't deserve another four years in office. As I stated before: If you have tangible reasons for this opinion; I respect your opinion. But some have said that a black man should not be in the White House, let alone deserve another four years seated at the highest position in the country. I'm not going to get into the battle of saying that former President George W. Bush got another term at the presidency, therefore President Obama should as well. That will be me going tit for tat. But I will say this: In my opinion; President Obama deserves another chance because I truly like his direction. I don't agree with all of his policies and positions. His positives outweigh his negatives for me. One thing that is huge is the economy and debt. I honestly don't see how in this day and age we can cut the debt to almost nothing. It just feels like as long as we're here; there will be debt. Point blank. I'd rather have debt because we're trying afford everyone healthcare and people going to college as opposed to fighting wars. Wars cost a lot of money. Do your research on how much the Iraq war costed this country. And that doesn't include what you can't put a price on--American lives lost. I am a veteran and fought in the Iraq war. I'm extremely proud to have served this country; but I didn't necessarily agree with the war in Iraq.
That's about as far as I'm going to go into political issues and my position. Back to what I want you to centralize your thoughts on. When will we get passed differences and move forward? Whether it be racial, political, economical, educational, or religious differences. We are all Americans. The preservation and progress of this country is at stake. It seems like we can't disagree without totally offending someone or disrespecting their opinion. If you're married or in a relationship, you definitely disagree. The disagreement shouldn't tear the two of you apart. That's the time to communicate and listen to what each has to say. I want to say this to the people that are President Obama supporters such as myself: Don't take this opportunity to throw President Obama's re-election back in the face of those who didn't/don't support the president. The day after the election was actually a hard day for me. To see and hear things said like: "My president is still black" didn't make me feel like we won. Am I proud that he is black? Yes, of course! But I'm beyond that now. Focus on moving forward, because even though the president is black; we still have so far to go and grow. Thanks as always for listening and reading. And most importantly: God bless America!
I'm not one to really talk politics for a few reasons: 1) I've never been too interested in politics. 2) I'm no political strategist, so I don't try to act like I'm an expert on all of the issues. 3) Politics is a sticky subject that drives a wedge between people. 4) Politics can bring out the ignorance in some people that you wish you never witnessed. This election quite frankly, has shown me sides of people that I wish I never knew existed. That goes for Democrats and Republicans alike.
In this country that we live in--a democracy--it's imperative to have different parties and affiliations. Innovation comes from the ability to be diverse and adapt to different philosophies. If we didn't have multiple parties; we would live in a dictatorship, or socialist type of society. Although many have accused President Obama of being a socialist. Some have even said that he is the Anti-Christ. I find these accusations to be ridiculous, laughable, and based with no merit.
No matter how badly I do not want to address race; honestly, it's simply unavoidable. I will keep the race issue to a minimum, because I'm big on moving forward when it comes to that subject. I've heard, listened to, and read many comments regarding our current president. If race wasn't an issue; why is it that President is referred to as the first African-American President? When he was elected as president; it wasn't said that America elected its first multi-racial, or its first half white half black president. I say that to say this: It doesn't matter if your background consists of 1/16 black or African blood. Once the world finds out about that 1/16, you are black in the world's eyes. That's just the way it is. My grandfather, Rudolph Smith Sr. was multi-racial (creole). But you know what he considered himself to be? You got it--a black man! My grandfather could pass for a white man, too. He had fair skin, and had what we (blacks) would call good hair. He didn't try to fool himself into thinking that society saw him as anything but black. One more thing: When you look at President Obama, what do you honestly see? Do you see multi-racial, or do you see a black man?
To the people (black and white; because some honestly feel like there were no blacks that voted for Gov. Romney) that supported and voted for Gov. Mitt Romney because you felt that he was the better candidate; I have absolutely no qualms with you. As voting citizens, it's our duty to research the available candidates, assess how their plan aligns with what we see as best for our families--best for our country. I know we all have our own unique reasons as to why we vote for who we vote for. Some of us vote according to the political party that we're affiliated with. The people that I do have qualms with are the people that did base their decision solely on race. Whether you voted for or against President Obama. Educate yourself on the issues and be mindful of how these issues affect you.
I do not know all the ins and outs of the politcal world that we call Washington D.C. But I do know this: It takes a team effort to get things done. That includes Democrats working with Republicans and vice versa. Nothing can get done when personal agendas are first and foremost rather than the welfare of our country. It seems to me that political parties are doing more to sabotage the other party--like winning is what is most important--and not passing bills that would help the citizens of our country.
I've heard that President Obama doesn't deserve another four years in office. As I stated before: If you have tangible reasons for this opinion; I respect your opinion. But some have said that a black man should not be in the White House, let alone deserve another four years seated at the highest position in the country. I'm not going to get into the battle of saying that former President George W. Bush got another term at the presidency, therefore President Obama should as well. That will be me going tit for tat. But I will say this: In my opinion; President Obama deserves another chance because I truly like his direction. I don't agree with all of his policies and positions. His positives outweigh his negatives for me. One thing that is huge is the economy and debt. I honestly don't see how in this day and age we can cut the debt to almost nothing. It just feels like as long as we're here; there will be debt. Point blank. I'd rather have debt because we're trying afford everyone healthcare and people going to college as opposed to fighting wars. Wars cost a lot of money. Do your research on how much the Iraq war costed this country. And that doesn't include what you can't put a price on--American lives lost. I am a veteran and fought in the Iraq war. I'm extremely proud to have served this country; but I didn't necessarily agree with the war in Iraq.
That's about as far as I'm going to go into political issues and my position. Back to what I want you to centralize your thoughts on. When will we get passed differences and move forward? Whether it be racial, political, economical, educational, or religious differences. We are all Americans. The preservation and progress of this country is at stake. It seems like we can't disagree without totally offending someone or disrespecting their opinion. If you're married or in a relationship, you definitely disagree. The disagreement shouldn't tear the two of you apart. That's the time to communicate and listen to what each has to say. I want to say this to the people that are President Obama supporters such as myself: Don't take this opportunity to throw President Obama's re-election back in the face of those who didn't/don't support the president. The day after the election was actually a hard day for me. To see and hear things said like: "My president is still black" didn't make me feel like we won. Am I proud that he is black? Yes, of course! But I'm beyond that now. Focus on moving forward, because even though the president is black; we still have so far to go and grow. Thanks as always for listening and reading. And most importantly: God bless America!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
The Demise of The Black Family
I've been out of the blog game for a little while now for a couple reasons. Focusing on finishing my book and spending time with my kids has been a priority for me. Also, I really haven't had any inspiration to write blogs. With a few of my blogs, I pull from my own life and experiences to share with you. This blog is no different. It's a topic that is not only plaguing the black community, but the American community as a whole. I've always paralleled divorce to cancer. We all know family members, friends, associates, or co-workers that have been affected by cancer. The same can be said about divorce. Many times it's us personally that's affected.
I, too, myself have been divorced. I know firsthand the ramifications and emotional strain that it puts on those affected by a family break up. My ex-wife and I have two children together. Our oldest son, Jayden, still suffers from emotional pain caused by the divorce. My youngest son, Jordyn, seems to be okay, but he is a lot like me--not very talkative when it comes to what is bothering us. Jayden continues to tell me how he wants his mom and I to get back together, and how much he misses the life that we had together as a family. You don't know the pain and awesome feeling of failure that overcomes me when I have to wipe my son's tears away as he expresses his feelings to me regarding this issue. I grew up with my mother and father together so I can only imagine his pain. I can't help but wonder how many other children are experiencing the same emotion and pain as my children are.
My experience is just one example of a black family not staying together. But it seems that many within the black community are getting divorced at an accelerated rate, or, just not getting married at all. I've spoken to many who feel like marriage is just not an option for them. People will rather "shack up" (as the preachers would say) rather than consummate their relationship, and in most cases, their family. But why is this, though? I have a few opinions as to why.
Many people always say that "folks don't stay married like they used to." Can't really argue with this statement. But I feel that there is a direct correlation between past generations and present generations as to why people aren't staying/getting married these days. First, lets look at it from a woman's perspective.
When women of today look at the marriages of their mothers, grandmothers, aunts, or close friends, many have observed women who were never truly happy in their marriage. They saw women who were just existing in a marriage, for whatever reason. They saw women slaving over a stove, or taking care of the home on a day to day basis. And a lot of times, they saw men who weren't necessarily appreciative of the work their spouses carried upon their shoulders. These types of observations and experiences birthed women with a "that will never be me" type of attitude. Fellas: how many times have you heard a woman say: "you better get your momma to cook/clean for you." See what I'm saying? Not that all women are not willing to cook for their men these days. It's 2012. Just don't expect a woman to be doing that on a daily basis. It is absolutely normal (these days) for me to meet a woman and she: (a) doesn't know how to cook (b) hates cooking (c) will not cook! I'm sure some women of mother's generation and my grandmothers generation disliked cooking, too. But they did it because it was basically their duty to do so.
Who remembers the song Papa Was A Rolling Stone? That song was true and came from a real place. Many women have had to deal with philandering husbands fooling around with various other women. In a lot of cases, many women knew about their husbands wayward ways, but chose to turn a blind eye--at least for the sake of public perception. I would say that this was mostly the case for women of my grandmothers generation. So, once again, you have women that have observed women that they love go through this and vow to themselves that they will not be THAT woman.
They say that women want a man just like their own father. When many women think of their fathers, they think of a man who is a great provider, a great dad, awesome husband to her mother, a gentleman in its purest form--she sees her hero. Many women claim to not see those qualities in men these days. Black men to be more precise. Therefore, they feel many aren't worth marrying. I can't say that I don't disagree with them and their assessment. But I do know that there are plenty good men out there that's worth marrying and having a family with.
I haven't forgotten about the males point of view. Believe it or not, black men want to get married, but many have their apprehensions just like black women have their apprehensions. Many feel that black men do not want to get married, and would rather just live life as single men. Not true. Are there men that do not want to get married? Of course! But the same can be said about women, too.
When it comes to the relationships between black men and women, there is a gap of discontentment that must be bridged. In this new age of the independent woman, many black men have yet to figure out how to deal with that woman. I believe it's all in the communication between the two. Many men cannot deal with a woman that constantly reminds him that he can be replaced at a moments notice. Not to say that all independent women are that way--many are, though. Many men also don't know how to deal with a woman that constantly reminds him that, in the big scheme of things, she doesn't really need him. A lot of women have been hardened over the years due to past relationships, or by witnessing other women go through bad relationships.
Men are the same as women when it comes to envisioning a wife. Most men would love their wives to closely resemble their own mothers. Not in the physical sense, of course. But when men think of their mothers, they think of a woman that took care of the family. They think of that loving woman that carried herself with grace and respect. We think of that woman that loved/loves our father unconditionally. She may not like him at times--but she loves him to the death of her! Many men feel that there are a shortage of women with these qualities. Do I believe this to be true? Yes and no. There are some women out there who have absolutely no clue as to what it is to be a wife, or how to conduct theirselves in a wifely manner. But many claim to be "wifey" material. I can't stand that term, by the way. With that said--there are plenty women out there with great qualities as a woman and as a wife.
Truth be told, everyone is dealing with divorce issues. Blacks, latinos, whites--people in general. I did research and found that blacks are at the top of that list, though. And just from my experience and talking to people, I find that many within the black community are scared of marriage. I also find that this generation is not as willing to work for a lot things--marriage included. When I got married, one of my aunts told me that marriage takes work everyday. Both parties must be willing to work together. It will never work when one half of the team is doing the heavy lifting. Today when some couples encounter trouble, one, or both are ready to tuck tail and run. Granted, some problems within some marriages are irreversible, or non-fixable. I would never encourage anyone to stay in a bad situation or sacrifice their happiness. I would just like to see our people work to stay together and create sound, healthy, happy families.
I, too, myself have been divorced. I know firsthand the ramifications and emotional strain that it puts on those affected by a family break up. My ex-wife and I have two children together. Our oldest son, Jayden, still suffers from emotional pain caused by the divorce. My youngest son, Jordyn, seems to be okay, but he is a lot like me--not very talkative when it comes to what is bothering us. Jayden continues to tell me how he wants his mom and I to get back together, and how much he misses the life that we had together as a family. You don't know the pain and awesome feeling of failure that overcomes me when I have to wipe my son's tears away as he expresses his feelings to me regarding this issue. I grew up with my mother and father together so I can only imagine his pain. I can't help but wonder how many other children are experiencing the same emotion and pain as my children are.
My experience is just one example of a black family not staying together. But it seems that many within the black community are getting divorced at an accelerated rate, or, just not getting married at all. I've spoken to many who feel like marriage is just not an option for them. People will rather "shack up" (as the preachers would say) rather than consummate their relationship, and in most cases, their family. But why is this, though? I have a few opinions as to why.
Many people always say that "folks don't stay married like they used to." Can't really argue with this statement. But I feel that there is a direct correlation between past generations and present generations as to why people aren't staying/getting married these days. First, lets look at it from a woman's perspective.
When women of today look at the marriages of their mothers, grandmothers, aunts, or close friends, many have observed women who were never truly happy in their marriage. They saw women who were just existing in a marriage, for whatever reason. They saw women slaving over a stove, or taking care of the home on a day to day basis. And a lot of times, they saw men who weren't necessarily appreciative of the work their spouses carried upon their shoulders. These types of observations and experiences birthed women with a "that will never be me" type of attitude. Fellas: how many times have you heard a woman say: "you better get your momma to cook/clean for you." See what I'm saying? Not that all women are not willing to cook for their men these days. It's 2012. Just don't expect a woman to be doing that on a daily basis. It is absolutely normal (these days) for me to meet a woman and she: (a) doesn't know how to cook (b) hates cooking (c) will not cook! I'm sure some women of mother's generation and my grandmothers generation disliked cooking, too. But they did it because it was basically their duty to do so.
Who remembers the song Papa Was A Rolling Stone? That song was true and came from a real place. Many women have had to deal with philandering husbands fooling around with various other women. In a lot of cases, many women knew about their husbands wayward ways, but chose to turn a blind eye--at least for the sake of public perception. I would say that this was mostly the case for women of my grandmothers generation. So, once again, you have women that have observed women that they love go through this and vow to themselves that they will not be THAT woman.
They say that women want a man just like their own father. When many women think of their fathers, they think of a man who is a great provider, a great dad, awesome husband to her mother, a gentleman in its purest form--she sees her hero. Many women claim to not see those qualities in men these days. Black men to be more precise. Therefore, they feel many aren't worth marrying. I can't say that I don't disagree with them and their assessment. But I do know that there are plenty good men out there that's worth marrying and having a family with.
I haven't forgotten about the males point of view. Believe it or not, black men want to get married, but many have their apprehensions just like black women have their apprehensions. Many feel that black men do not want to get married, and would rather just live life as single men. Not true. Are there men that do not want to get married? Of course! But the same can be said about women, too.
When it comes to the relationships between black men and women, there is a gap of discontentment that must be bridged. In this new age of the independent woman, many black men have yet to figure out how to deal with that woman. I believe it's all in the communication between the two. Many men cannot deal with a woman that constantly reminds him that he can be replaced at a moments notice. Not to say that all independent women are that way--many are, though. Many men also don't know how to deal with a woman that constantly reminds him that, in the big scheme of things, she doesn't really need him. A lot of women have been hardened over the years due to past relationships, or by witnessing other women go through bad relationships.
Men are the same as women when it comes to envisioning a wife. Most men would love their wives to closely resemble their own mothers. Not in the physical sense, of course. But when men think of their mothers, they think of a woman that took care of the family. They think of that loving woman that carried herself with grace and respect. We think of that woman that loved/loves our father unconditionally. She may not like him at times--but she loves him to the death of her! Many men feel that there are a shortage of women with these qualities. Do I believe this to be true? Yes and no. There are some women out there who have absolutely no clue as to what it is to be a wife, or how to conduct theirselves in a wifely manner. But many claim to be "wifey" material. I can't stand that term, by the way. With that said--there are plenty women out there with great qualities as a woman and as a wife.
Truth be told, everyone is dealing with divorce issues. Blacks, latinos, whites--people in general. I did research and found that blacks are at the top of that list, though. And just from my experience and talking to people, I find that many within the black community are scared of marriage. I also find that this generation is not as willing to work for a lot things--marriage included. When I got married, one of my aunts told me that marriage takes work everyday. Both parties must be willing to work together. It will never work when one half of the team is doing the heavy lifting. Today when some couples encounter trouble, one, or both are ready to tuck tail and run. Granted, some problems within some marriages are irreversible, or non-fixable. I would never encourage anyone to stay in a bad situation or sacrifice their happiness. I would just like to see our people work to stay together and create sound, healthy, happy families.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
The Bad Bitch Mentality
With a blog like this, I feel that it is necessary for me to use language that I don't normally use within my blogs. If I don't, it won't come off as real or sincere in my opinion. My main objective with my blogs is to come off as real and concise as possible, while trying to give you quality opinions that are laced with factual content as well.
Throughout history, we as African-Americans developed an adept quality at turning what was meant to be negative into positive--or so we think in some cases. We have taken the word nigger and flipped it to nigga. When we use nigga among each other, it's like a term of endearment. "That's my nigga." Translation: That's my homeboy, or, we're cool. Essentially the same thing has been done with the word bitch.
In every dictionary that I searched, the word bitch is simply described as a female dog. I'm sure that all of you knew that, though. And just like the word nigger, or nigga, people don't take too kindly to anyone just calling them a bitch--especially women. And nor should they welcome it with open arms either.
It's 2012, and we suddenly have an over-abundance of "bad bitches" walking around in communities across America. How that term came about, and when it came about eludes me. Of course there is a criteria that makes you a bad bitch. I think the term is ridiculous myself. But apparently the women who refer to themselves and others as bad bitches think it's appropriate. To be fair, I blame rappers and rap culture for trying to emulate pimp culture within their music for this misuse of the word. A lot of rappers have been calling women bitches and ho's for years now. Many young men (and grown men) think it's okay to refer to women by those names. With that said; it's up to women to determine what they answer to and what they deem acceptable to be called.
There are apparently two categories of "bitches" in which they are classified. Just to let you know, I only care about one classification, and it doesn't contain the word bitch in it. Those two categories are: Basic bitches and bad bitches. Yes, ridiculous I know. I only care about real women.
Since this is "The Bad Bitch Mentality" blog, we're going to highlight her for a moment. There are certain things (according to bad bitches) that make you a bad bitch. I'll do my best to appropriately set them apart from the basic bitch. A bad bitch values these things highly: Money, clothes, hair and nails being done at all times, and her pussy. Yep, you heard me right--her pussy. A bad bitch will boast about the aforementioned on a daily basis. To her, this sets her apart from the basic bitch. A bad bitch will tell you how she rocks Louis Vuitton, Christian Louboutin (with the red bottoms), Gucci, and Gesuppies on a regular. She'll keep an appearance as if she's flawless at all times. She'll post pics of how much money she has on social networking sites with a caption like: "I only do what bad bitches do" or some other ridiculous statement. And a bad bitch will boast how no other woman has good pussy like her. She'll even brag about how your man (any random man) is thinking about her, and how you would never be able to fuck him like her. She'll say ridiculous things like: "No other bitch's pussy can stay wet like mine, or no other bitch can give head like me." I swear I can't make this up. I see it every day on these social networking sites. It doesn't stop there. A bad bitch will say things to her man like: "You have never, and will never fuck a bitch like me. Occaisionally the bad bitch will throw in how she takes care of her kids and that she doesn't need no nigga for shit. Blah blah BLAH! As far as I'm concerned, useless info. If you honestly think that within this world, no other woman can do the things that you do sexually, let me be the first to tell you that they're women that can do all those things and more!
Let me tell you something, Ms. Bad Bitches all over the world: There are plenty of bad bitches with great pussy getting cheated on right now. The nerve of you to believe that no other woman on earth can do what you can sexually is a bit far-fetched. I, and many mature men like myself can give two shits about you, and what your pussy can do! I'm so sincere when I say this. If these are the things that make you who you are, then I will gracefully decline. Bad bitches place "things" in high regard. Nothing really of substance. Don't get me wrong; having things and possessing the ability to get them is nice. We all like nice things. But there's wealth in so much more. If you base your worth on your money, your appearance, and your pussy; you are truly not worth having in my eyes.
Before anyone gets it twisted, I think it's wonderful and a blessing to provide your family and yourself with the things that your heart desires. As hard as we work, we should be able to enjoy the spoils of life as a result from our hard work. I know plenty of people with wonderful and lavish things, men and women alike. You just would never know it by their demeanor. Their objective is not to constantly remind you or to make sure you know that they have it
I would like to inform bad bitches of something else: Classy and real women possess and have the ability to do what you do on a regular basis as well. The difference between them and you is that they aren't boastful. They also don't value things as you do. Oh, they can get those name brand and designer things just as good as you! But that will not make or break them, and it certainly won't be an every day priority. And most importantly, she values her body. See how I came with that when referring to classy/real women? She doesn't boast about her sexual prowess, or ability to please her mate. The proof is in the pudding, and nobody knows that type of info but her mate or past relationship partners. Advertising is not her best asset. Classy women value imputing education into their children. Classy women yearn to further their relationship with God. Classy women work in their communities and value the prosperity of their communities. Classy women also love their men and taking care of their men--emotionally, mentally, and physically. Some of you bad bitches may value these things. If you do, I really can't tell from the image that you perpetrate.
A few weeks ago I had to explain to my mother how you can't bring every woman home to momma. My mom is the type that wants to meet every girl that you date. I told my mom how that is a no bueno! I think she understood, but then again, I know that my mom will always want to see every woman that her two sons are talking to. One thing that my mom will never have to worry about is me bringing home a bad bitch. Something about bringing home a bad female dog just doesn't sit well with me. I salute you classy women all over the world--keep it classy!
Throughout history, we as African-Americans developed an adept quality at turning what was meant to be negative into positive--or so we think in some cases. We have taken the word nigger and flipped it to nigga. When we use nigga among each other, it's like a term of endearment. "That's my nigga." Translation: That's my homeboy, or, we're cool. Essentially the same thing has been done with the word bitch.
In every dictionary that I searched, the word bitch is simply described as a female dog. I'm sure that all of you knew that, though. And just like the word nigger, or nigga, people don't take too kindly to anyone just calling them a bitch--especially women. And nor should they welcome it with open arms either.
It's 2012, and we suddenly have an over-abundance of "bad bitches" walking around in communities across America. How that term came about, and when it came about eludes me. Of course there is a criteria that makes you a bad bitch. I think the term is ridiculous myself. But apparently the women who refer to themselves and others as bad bitches think it's appropriate. To be fair, I blame rappers and rap culture for trying to emulate pimp culture within their music for this misuse of the word. A lot of rappers have been calling women bitches and ho's for years now. Many young men (and grown men) think it's okay to refer to women by those names. With that said; it's up to women to determine what they answer to and what they deem acceptable to be called.
There are apparently two categories of "bitches" in which they are classified. Just to let you know, I only care about one classification, and it doesn't contain the word bitch in it. Those two categories are: Basic bitches and bad bitches. Yes, ridiculous I know. I only care about real women.
Since this is "The Bad Bitch Mentality" blog, we're going to highlight her for a moment. There are certain things (according to bad bitches) that make you a bad bitch. I'll do my best to appropriately set them apart from the basic bitch. A bad bitch values these things highly: Money, clothes, hair and nails being done at all times, and her pussy. Yep, you heard me right--her pussy. A bad bitch will boast about the aforementioned on a daily basis. To her, this sets her apart from the basic bitch. A bad bitch will tell you how she rocks Louis Vuitton, Christian Louboutin (with the red bottoms), Gucci, and Gesuppies on a regular. She'll keep an appearance as if she's flawless at all times. She'll post pics of how much money she has on social networking sites with a caption like: "I only do what bad bitches do" or some other ridiculous statement. And a bad bitch will boast how no other woman has good pussy like her. She'll even brag about how your man (any random man) is thinking about her, and how you would never be able to fuck him like her. She'll say ridiculous things like: "No other bitch's pussy can stay wet like mine, or no other bitch can give head like me." I swear I can't make this up. I see it every day on these social networking sites. It doesn't stop there. A bad bitch will say things to her man like: "You have never, and will never fuck a bitch like me. Occaisionally the bad bitch will throw in how she takes care of her kids and that she doesn't need no nigga for shit. Blah blah BLAH! As far as I'm concerned, useless info. If you honestly think that within this world, no other woman can do the things that you do sexually, let me be the first to tell you that they're women that can do all those things and more!
Let me tell you something, Ms. Bad Bitches all over the world: There are plenty of bad bitches with great pussy getting cheated on right now. The nerve of you to believe that no other woman on earth can do what you can sexually is a bit far-fetched. I, and many mature men like myself can give two shits about you, and what your pussy can do! I'm so sincere when I say this. If these are the things that make you who you are, then I will gracefully decline. Bad bitches place "things" in high regard. Nothing really of substance. Don't get me wrong; having things and possessing the ability to get them is nice. We all like nice things. But there's wealth in so much more. If you base your worth on your money, your appearance, and your pussy; you are truly not worth having in my eyes.
Before anyone gets it twisted, I think it's wonderful and a blessing to provide your family and yourself with the things that your heart desires. As hard as we work, we should be able to enjoy the spoils of life as a result from our hard work. I know plenty of people with wonderful and lavish things, men and women alike. You just would never know it by their demeanor. Their objective is not to constantly remind you or to make sure you know that they have it
I would like to inform bad bitches of something else: Classy and real women possess and have the ability to do what you do on a regular basis as well. The difference between them and you is that they aren't boastful. They also don't value things as you do. Oh, they can get those name brand and designer things just as good as you! But that will not make or break them, and it certainly won't be an every day priority. And most importantly, she values her body. See how I came with that when referring to classy/real women? She doesn't boast about her sexual prowess, or ability to please her mate. The proof is in the pudding, and nobody knows that type of info but her mate or past relationship partners. Advertising is not her best asset. Classy women value imputing education into their children. Classy women yearn to further their relationship with God. Classy women work in their communities and value the prosperity of their communities. Classy women also love their men and taking care of their men--emotionally, mentally, and physically. Some of you bad bitches may value these things. If you do, I really can't tell from the image that you perpetrate.
A few weeks ago I had to explain to my mother how you can't bring every woman home to momma. My mom is the type that wants to meet every girl that you date. I told my mom how that is a no bueno! I think she understood, but then again, I know that my mom will always want to see every woman that her two sons are talking to. One thing that my mom will never have to worry about is me bringing home a bad bitch. Something about bringing home a bad female dog just doesn't sit well with me. I salute you classy women all over the world--keep it classy!
Renewed Inspiration
I try to tie inspiration into everything that I write. In my mind, we need it more than anything during these current times--inspiration and love. I'm always looking for things and people to inspire me on a deeper level. I'm talking about inspiration that should be recycled. Not that inspiration of being able to buy the bar at the club, or having the ability to buy the newest car, or the latest and greatest iPhone or iPad. I'm talking about the inspiration that promotes better living, promotes change within ourselves to become greater individuals. Inspiration that inspires us to want to lead and inspire others to be greater. While writing and doing research for my book, I come across many inspiring figures.
My most recent inspiration is that of Chef Jeff Henderson. I've known about Chef Jeff for quite some time, being that I love to cook and studied different chefs during my years of culinary dreams. I just vaguely knew of his story, but knew that I wanted to highlight him in my book. A book in which I desperately want to leak the title of, but I won't until I get it copywritten. Anyway...Chef Jeff has a story that is not uncommon to many of us. But the difference between him and many of us is this: Once knocked down in life, he re-invented himself , changed his life and pursued his passion that he found while locked up in a federal penitentiary. And upon his release he pursued his passion with passion and vigor.
Let me give you a rundown of Chef Jeff's history: Jeff Henderson is an African-American male that went from earning over $35,000 weekly at age 21 to facing nineteen and a half years in prison at age 24. All from dealing crack on the streets of southern California. He ended up serving about a decade incarcerrated in various federal institutions during that bid. During this time he found his passion for food and cooking. He utilized his time locked up to change the deviant he had become slangin poison (crack cocaine) on the streets, to become a man of principle, a man of self worth, a man with a plan. It didn't happen overnight, though. In his book titled: Cooked; he admitted that years after being locked up is when he realized that he was rescued from the streets. Going from having tons of money, cars, clothes and women at your disposal. To prison issued clothing, monitored visits and a small cell can be humbling and de-humanizing. It takes incredible growth, maturity and soul-searching to view a nearly two decade prison sentence as you being rescued from the free world.
Chef Jeff not only became a chef, but he became the first African-American Chef de Cuisine at Caesars Palace. He also became the Executive Chef at Cafe Bellagio. He did all this without spending one day in Culinary School--no degree at all! I want you to wrap your brain around that. In this society when nothing is given--especially to a convicted felon who happens to be a black man. He learned how to use every resource that was available to him and simply took no for an answer. I'm sure that you can only imagine how many times he was told no when looking for work in the business of fine dining. A business that already has almost no black chefs at all. Chef Jeff used what he would call his Ph.D in game to export knowledge from many that he came across in the business, and in prison.
Just like I always tell many people that I come across; you can basically learn anything that you want to. How? All you need to know how to do is read. Knowledge is in the books--in which there are millions of. It has always been said that if you want to keep something from blacks, put it in books. Historically it is said that we (blacks) do not like to read. Chef Jeff immersed himself in all kinds of books to re-invent himself, and also to aid in learning his trade in which he would become an award winning chef.
Chef Jeff's story truly inspires me. Not just because of my love for cooking. His story is about redeeming, focus, determination, charity, faith, progression, and taking chances. Things that we all can relate to in the game of life. We all have been knocked down at some point in life. And not to be the bearer of bad news; most of us will be knocked down again in the future. The will to get back up and fight again is imperative to success. His story transcends becoming a chef. What I took from his story is that in life the only thing that can truly stop us is us! Rapper Big K.R.I.T. has a song called Boobie Miles. And in that song he says, "you got to play it to the end, the only difference between a winner and a loser is a winner plays until he wins." We have to play the game (life) until we win. All successful people has lost at some point. Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch have filed bankruptcy many times. They've also had business deals go south and fail miserably. Today they are billionaires. They played the game until they won--and they continue to play the game. It never stops!
Thank you Chef Jeff for sharing your inspiring story with the world. You proved to the masses that anyone can redeem one's self. All you need is a chance. And if no one wants to give you that chance--it's okay, create your own path to that chance. I will share this story with all my fellow black men. I will share it with them because I know a lot of brothers that have that "the white man ain't gonna give a brother like me nothing" attitude. This is true. No one will give you anything--including your fellow black man. So lets eliminate that whole way of thinking from our existence. It has been a known fact for years now. With that being said--my inspiration is renewed. I hope that yours has shifted just a little bit.
My most recent inspiration is that of Chef Jeff Henderson. I've known about Chef Jeff for quite some time, being that I love to cook and studied different chefs during my years of culinary dreams. I just vaguely knew of his story, but knew that I wanted to highlight him in my book. A book in which I desperately want to leak the title of, but I won't until I get it copywritten. Anyway...Chef Jeff has a story that is not uncommon to many of us. But the difference between him and many of us is this: Once knocked down in life, he re-invented himself , changed his life and pursued his passion that he found while locked up in a federal penitentiary. And upon his release he pursued his passion with passion and vigor.
Let me give you a rundown of Chef Jeff's history: Jeff Henderson is an African-American male that went from earning over $35,000 weekly at age 21 to facing nineteen and a half years in prison at age 24. All from dealing crack on the streets of southern California. He ended up serving about a decade incarcerrated in various federal institutions during that bid. During this time he found his passion for food and cooking. He utilized his time locked up to change the deviant he had become slangin poison (crack cocaine) on the streets, to become a man of principle, a man of self worth, a man with a plan. It didn't happen overnight, though. In his book titled: Cooked; he admitted that years after being locked up is when he realized that he was rescued from the streets. Going from having tons of money, cars, clothes and women at your disposal. To prison issued clothing, monitored visits and a small cell can be humbling and de-humanizing. It takes incredible growth, maturity and soul-searching to view a nearly two decade prison sentence as you being rescued from the free world.
Chef Jeff not only became a chef, but he became the first African-American Chef de Cuisine at Caesars Palace. He also became the Executive Chef at Cafe Bellagio. He did all this without spending one day in Culinary School--no degree at all! I want you to wrap your brain around that. In this society when nothing is given--especially to a convicted felon who happens to be a black man. He learned how to use every resource that was available to him and simply took no for an answer. I'm sure that you can only imagine how many times he was told no when looking for work in the business of fine dining. A business that already has almost no black chefs at all. Chef Jeff used what he would call his Ph.D in game to export knowledge from many that he came across in the business, and in prison.
Just like I always tell many people that I come across; you can basically learn anything that you want to. How? All you need to know how to do is read. Knowledge is in the books--in which there are millions of. It has always been said that if you want to keep something from blacks, put it in books. Historically it is said that we (blacks) do not like to read. Chef Jeff immersed himself in all kinds of books to re-invent himself, and also to aid in learning his trade in which he would become an award winning chef.
Chef Jeff's story truly inspires me. Not just because of my love for cooking. His story is about redeeming, focus, determination, charity, faith, progression, and taking chances. Things that we all can relate to in the game of life. We all have been knocked down at some point in life. And not to be the bearer of bad news; most of us will be knocked down again in the future. The will to get back up and fight again is imperative to success. His story transcends becoming a chef. What I took from his story is that in life the only thing that can truly stop us is us! Rapper Big K.R.I.T. has a song called Boobie Miles. And in that song he says, "you got to play it to the end, the only difference between a winner and a loser is a winner plays until he wins." We have to play the game (life) until we win. All successful people has lost at some point. Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch have filed bankruptcy many times. They've also had business deals go south and fail miserably. Today they are billionaires. They played the game until they won--and they continue to play the game. It never stops!
Thank you Chef Jeff for sharing your inspiring story with the world. You proved to the masses that anyone can redeem one's self. All you need is a chance. And if no one wants to give you that chance--it's okay, create your own path to that chance. I will share this story with all my fellow black men. I will share it with them because I know a lot of brothers that have that "the white man ain't gonna give a brother like me nothing" attitude. This is true. No one will give you anything--including your fellow black man. So lets eliminate that whole way of thinking from our existence. It has been a known fact for years now. With that being said--my inspiration is renewed. I hope that yours has shifted just a little bit.
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