I've been out of the blog game for a little while now for a couple reasons. Focusing on finishing my book and spending time with my kids has been a priority for me. Also, I really haven't had any inspiration to write blogs. With a few of my blogs, I pull from my own life and experiences to share with you. This blog is no different. It's a topic that is not only plaguing the black community, but the American community as a whole. I've always paralleled divorce to cancer. We all know family members, friends, associates, or co-workers that have been affected by cancer. The same can be said about divorce. Many times it's us personally that's affected.
I, too, myself have been divorced. I know firsthand the ramifications and emotional strain that it puts on those affected by a family break up. My ex-wife and I have two children together. Our oldest son, Jayden, still suffers from emotional pain caused by the divorce. My youngest son, Jordyn, seems to be okay, but he is a lot like me--not very talkative when it comes to what is bothering us. Jayden continues to tell me how he wants his mom and I to get back together, and how much he misses the life that we had together as a family. You don't know the pain and awesome feeling of failure that overcomes me when I have to wipe my son's tears away as he expresses his feelings to me regarding this issue. I grew up with my mother and father together so I can only imagine his pain. I can't help but wonder how many other children are experiencing the same emotion and pain as my children are.
My experience is just one example of a black family not staying together. But it seems that many within the black community are getting divorced at an accelerated rate, or, just not getting married at all. I've spoken to many who feel like marriage is just not an option for them. People will rather "shack up" (as the preachers would say) rather than consummate their relationship, and in most cases, their family. But why is this, though? I have a few opinions as to why.
Many people always say that "folks don't stay married like they used to." Can't really argue with this statement. But I feel that there is a direct correlation between past generations and present generations as to why people aren't staying/getting married these days. First, lets look at it from a woman's perspective.
When women of today look at the marriages of their mothers, grandmothers, aunts, or close friends, many have observed women who were never truly happy in their marriage. They saw women who were just existing in a marriage, for whatever reason. They saw women slaving over a stove, or taking care of the home on a day to day basis. And a lot of times, they saw men who weren't necessarily appreciative of the work their spouses carried upon their shoulders. These types of observations and experiences birthed women with a "that will never be me" type of attitude. Fellas: how many times have you heard a woman say: "you better get your momma to cook/clean for you." See what I'm saying? Not that all women are not willing to cook for their men these days. It's 2012. Just don't expect a woman to be doing that on a daily basis. It is absolutely normal (these days) for me to meet a woman and she: (a) doesn't know how to cook (b) hates cooking (c) will not cook! I'm sure some women of mother's generation and my grandmothers generation disliked cooking, too. But they did it because it was basically their duty to do so.
Who remembers the song Papa Was A Rolling Stone? That song was true and came from a real place. Many women have had to deal with philandering husbands fooling around with various other women. In a lot of cases, many women knew about their husbands wayward ways, but chose to turn a blind eye--at least for the sake of public perception. I would say that this was mostly the case for women of my grandmothers generation. So, once again, you have women that have observed women that they love go through this and vow to themselves that they will not be THAT woman.
They say that women want a man just like their own father. When many women think of their fathers, they think of a man who is a great provider, a great dad, awesome husband to her mother, a gentleman in its purest form--she sees her hero. Many women claim to not see those qualities in men these days. Black men to be more precise. Therefore, they feel many aren't worth marrying. I can't say that I don't disagree with them and their assessment. But I do know that there are plenty good men out there that's worth marrying and having a family with.
I haven't forgotten about the males point of view. Believe it or not, black men want to get married, but many have their apprehensions just like black women have their apprehensions. Many feel that black men do not want to get married, and would rather just live life as single men. Not true. Are there men that do not want to get married? Of course! But the same can be said about women, too.
When it comes to the relationships between black men and women, there is a gap of discontentment that must be bridged. In this new age of the independent woman, many black men have yet to figure out how to deal with that woman. I believe it's all in the communication between the two. Many men cannot deal with a woman that constantly reminds him that he can be replaced at a moments notice. Not to say that all independent women are that way--many are, though. Many men also don't know how to deal with a woman that constantly reminds him that, in the big scheme of things, she doesn't really need him. A lot of women have been hardened over the years due to past relationships, or by witnessing other women go through bad relationships.
Men are the same as women when it comes to envisioning a wife. Most men would love their wives to closely resemble their own mothers. Not in the physical sense, of course. But when men think of their mothers, they think of a woman that took care of the family. They think of that loving woman that carried herself with grace and respect. We think of that woman that loved/loves our father unconditionally. She may not like him at times--but she loves him to the death of her! Many men feel that there are a shortage of women with these qualities. Do I believe this to be true? Yes and no. There are some women out there who have absolutely no clue as to what it is to be a wife, or how to conduct theirselves in a wifely manner. But many claim to be "wifey" material. I can't stand that term, by the way. With that said--there are plenty women out there with great qualities as a woman and as a wife.
Truth be told, everyone is dealing with divorce issues. Blacks, latinos, whites--people in general. I did research and found that blacks are at the top of that list, though. And just from my experience and talking to people, I find that many within the black community are scared of marriage. I also find that this generation is not as willing to work for a lot things--marriage included. When I got married, one of my aunts told me that marriage takes work everyday. Both parties must be willing to work together. It will never work when one half of the team is doing the heavy lifting. Today when some couples encounter trouble, one, or both are ready to tuck tail and run. Granted, some problems within some marriages are irreversible, or non-fixable. I would never encourage anyone to stay in a bad situation or sacrifice their happiness. I would just like to see our people work to stay together and create sound, healthy, happy families.
